When life happens...my grandpa Kemi

My grandpa Kemi (Kemin pappa) died last Sunday, unexpectedly. Week before he turned 81 years. 

Grandpa at his 81 birthday

He died at home, fast without suffering, which was what he always had wanted. He hated hospitals, doctors, being sick even more the thought that one day he would need to live so that someone else is looking after him. Even though I have known this might happen when I’m not in Finland, yet I was not ready for it and not ready for the feelings that hit me after the sad news. 

My grandparents have been important part of my life. When I was little we spend some part of the summer at their house or they came to stay with us after they were retired. We went fishing with grandpa, he taught us to use tools to make stuff out of wood, we went to the forest to pick berries and we planted potatoes every spring and in the autumn we all gathered together to pick them up. Me and my sister often travelled with them around Finland when we were little. They always took us with them. He loved his grandchildren very much, and children in general. All were welcome. Picking up potatoes has always been an important tradition for my family, even if we have consumed less potatoes in the past years, still it's something that we all enjoyed doing. Being there together, doing it together, eating together and having fun together was why we enjoyed it so much. Grandpa always drove the tractor and we pick up the potatoes.  

Gradpa driving the tractor while picking up the potatoes together with the whole family and friends for the last time in Sebtember 2011

Picking up potatoes together with the whole family and friends for the last time in Sebtember 2011

Later when I was older, they helped me out with other stuff, moving, lending furniture to my apartment and lent me money when I returned home from my travel without having a single penny. I could always count on them. In return, I helped out cleaning their house, cooking, keeping company and later looking after grandmom sometimes when it was needed because she has Alzheimer. Yet, within the last few years while being in Finland I feel I could have spent a bit more time with them. I guess we all feel that way when we lose our love ones. 

My grandpa had incredible memory, like a computer. He was a good storyteller and had so many stories to tell, some when he was 3 years old! I always thought if I ever write a PhD. It will be related to my grandpa. Now it’s too late to ask questions, too late to record stories. So everyone who is reading this and has thought of doing something similar with someone you know, do it now, don’t wait. 

Why are we so busy with our life and works that we don’t find time to connect with people in the moment? We rush through the life achieving in work in life, for what? We cannot take it to grave with us. The most important thing in life is how we connect with people and spend time together in every single moment we have. We shouldn’t be too busy not to have time talk to our friends, our colleagues, our families and even strangers.

I called my grandpa three weeks ago. We talked for long, he was telling about how happy they were just being at home and everything was ok. I was extremely happy I made that phone call and had change to talk to him before he passed away. 

I have decided to postpone my travel until October. I will come to Finland for the funeral and also to spent time with my grandma, so that things we’ll be a bit easier for her as well. Besides that I will get to spend time with my friends and family who are there. Of course it means I also need to work there because it’s not cheap for me to come to Finland, mean no money to continue my travel. So any substitute teacher or any other work in Rovaniemi, Oulu, Helsinki, Tampere or in Europe are more than welcome!

Just when I thought I had all figured out for a while, life happened, I guess there is a reason for all this. However Latin America and Australia will wait for me, but my grandpa will be burried only once and my grandmother may not be the way she is now for long. Luckily, I am able to postpone my flights up to April 2015.

Even if I’m far I want you to know that I love you all and think of you all when I’m not there where you are.

A beautiful song written for a grandpa 

Summer...

It's 00.02 and I'm sitting outside in our balcony. Just got home from my fairwell party with Karmiini, which is a dance group I've been part of more than a year now. We had our spring performace today and I was so pround of us, how far we've come from where we started. I'm so lucky that I've been able to be part of this group and all the things I've learned this year and challenging myself in a form of dance and performing after many many many years. Theme for the whole Spring performance was Rebellion of Toybox :) Name of our performance was "freeing" of make-up faces (Meikkipään irtiotto).



I cycled at home at midnight only wearing a dress, watcing the amazing colours in the horizon while sun was setting,  +17 and it's almost like a daylight. All I could do was smile and enjoy the life around me, trees bursting into a life. Suddenly I can see life everywhere and it's amazing! I hear birds singing and smell forest around me and it's night time. I fell in love with Finland again and my heart feels like bursting into tears because I know I'll be leaving again. Once again I'm about to leave when the best time of the year in Finland starts.

As you know I've been struggling the whole winter, but then when the light and warm comes back I feel like I can breath again and start to enjoy life. Amount of Sun affects me in so many ways and not just me but most Finns, they get bit crazy after a long and dark winter. Suddenly you see people every where and realize how many people actually live in your appartment block, because they finally get out of their apartments.

Past months have been crazy in so many ways. Stories and amazing things to share with you I've had many, like my holiday in Spain in March which was a turning point for my awakening for this Spring, but at the same time I felt bad having such a good time once again outside Finland, which made me not want to share it with you. Maybe I'll share it with you later. Also I've had hard time leaving my job...despite of the challenging times I've had with my students, I love each one of them and leaving them before the term was over was difficult for them and for me. But life goes on (I go and see them every week x) and it is time to move on.

Moving on seems to be harder than before. I've had too many good people around me this year, what makes jumping (once again) to something unknown (Peru) even if it is my own choice, very difficult. There was a reason to come back to Finland and spend here the last two years, to live with these amazing people and feel a sence of belonging. However, belong to what has been last two years won't exist here next year, so it is time to let go, look for new adventures and find a sence of belonging from somewhere else.

Still, I will miss Finnish summer, allthough I know it's too short anyways (except mosquitos, which have not yet arrived so I'm actually enjoyig the best moments of the summer, because it's so warm and no mosquitos). At least I have a one month to go!

Below pictures of Oulu around my apartment at 00.00 tonight.

To let myself go

Being with Ernest

Last Friday afternoon I cycled home extremely tired because the day at work once again ended two of my students having a fight. I hate when it happens before the weekend, especially when they refuse to become reconciled. I was wondering if I had enough energy to be with Ernest, (my 3, 5 year old nephew from my extended family) having a fake memory in my head him screaming for half hour straight last time I was babysitting him. Most Fridays, I look after Ernest and Lilly when they parents go to their hobby. I quite enjoy it, because then I know for sure that I will spend some time with them every week. Even if I’m not the most energetic person on Fridays they are fun to be with. Usually Ernest is easy going and the most wonderful child on earth with me. But this time would be different also because Lilly wouldn't be there.

My doubt was unnecessary. When I entered our corridor trying to find my keys Ernest opened his door excitedly (he had been waiting for me and seen me coming) having the most beautiful smile on his face holding his teddy bear and shawl and told me that he wants to go out. I smiled back. He simply melted my heart. I manage to convince him to stay inside for little while, so that I have time to eat something and sit down. Patiently he waited for me, but kept repeating that he wants to go out. Finally I said to him let’s go out and he ran home across the corridor to take his clothes. When we got outside I was amazed, that it was almost 5pm and there was still daylight, sun was just setting. I understood why Ernest so eagerly wanted to go out!!! For couple of months it’s been dark when we get home, so you don’t really want to go and play outside. But now only -7°C and still light outside, what a perfect weather to play! Slowly, light is coming back to our life! 

We played outside in the snow and Ernest was showing me icicles and the amazing snow castle/cave, which they had been building. I was amazed and took some pictures being little bit jealous that I hadn't been part of building it.

  

We had so much fun despite of tha fact that there was so much snow!

Despite of the snow I will slide!

Climbing? Maybe not!

Table? Shall we have dinner?

No dinner, but I want to jump on it!

After playing there almost for an hour it was getting dark and we’re pretty exhausted. We went inside and made hot chocolate. Since it was dark already we lighted up some candles and enjoyed tasteful quiet moment with hot chocolate. 

Ernest was getting tired. He was very cuddlely, normally he isn’t that much, but now he wanted to be in my lap while I was trying to make some food. Tears started runing when I realized that, we only have about three months left together before we have to say goodbye. Leaving the dear ones behind is never easy, especially with little ones. However, I know and hope this won’t be the last time we live so close to each other. Also times like this, which we spend together will stay in my mind always! 

I love you Ernest!

After Ernest went home our dinner was ready to eat.  

Pasta with  Spinach blue cheese sauce and red wine!

Delicious!!!

  

As higligt for that evening was a relaxing sauna. 

After the Sauna all I could do was SLEEP!

There is no better way ending the hard week at work than last Friday!

Truth about Sauna!  (contains nakedness ;)

Don't worry be happy...

DANCE- We got the beat

For way too long I’ve not been out dancing, but that mistake was corrected last Friday. Despite of the fact that I was dead tired after another challenging week at work on Friday I forced myself to move after an hour nap and two cups of strong coffee. Even managed to make myself look somehow decent and not like a living dead ;) Already a second time I was heading out with Jen after living in Oulu together for quite some time…

Music was pretty good and atmosphere was nice because of many familiar faces. We danced a lot and I consumed few classes of liquid, which made me even more relaxed and happy. In the end even a surprising encounter. What a perfect evening :)

I love dancing when music is good and it makes me feel so happy!!! Thank you we got the beat club! SO MORE DANCING IN MY LIFE TO KEEP ME GOING…friends convince me to go out more often and let me know when there is good dance music in Oulu! 

THEATRE – Laugh therapy 

This weekend I went to Helsinki to meet people related to my Peru volunteering. Meeting was on Sunday, so I thought to civilize myself in a form of theatre on Saturday evening with my mother. She got us tickets to see Ulla Tapaninen – Lava ammuntaa. We laughed so much for two hours, it was GOOD. Means I should also go to the theatre more often. So my more outgoing and cultural friends tell me if there is something good to see in Oulu!!!

BLOND - by accident

I have lived in Oulu almost for two years, which means that amount of sunlight in my life has been VERY LIMITED, especially due to last summer (we saw more rain than sun) therefore my sunburned blond hair has slowly turn into depressing grey, which makes my pale skin (also lack of sunlight) look even more pale. No wonder that my students keep telling me that teacher you look ugly today - ope miksi sinä ruma tänään? (they are very honest) if I’m lazy and don’t put mascara on. Last week one of them told me to go and put my eyes on :D

-          Ope miksi sinä ruma silmä tänään? Teacher why you ugly eye today?

-          Mun ripsiväri jäi töihin. I forgot my mascara at work.

-          Ope tämä ei sinun silmä. Mene laita oma silmä päähän. Teacher this not your eye. Go and put your eye in your head.

After the break…

-          Hyvä ope, nyt sinä oma silmä. Tämä kaunis! Good teacher, now you have your eyes. This pretty!

Most of the times I don’t care about my hair, but now especially having the dance performance coming along in two weeks, I thought I would lighten up my grey hair putting some highlights. For saving money I thought mom could do it. She did but the result became bit TOO blond, because we’re watching television while doing it and forgot the track of time! As a result instead of trying to make my hair look brighter it looks like I’m a teenager who desperately wants to have blond stripes in her dark hair. Whatever, it’s just hair and maybe I can make some people laugh :D !

  So I try again find more positive things in life :)....

 DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY

When 25 days is too far away…

What means giving up? Does it mean that you give up or you think about yourself? I think it’s time to start being honest how I feel because I have a long year to go after June with my thoughts...

I was looking forward this New Year and new adventures. I had many plans what I would do here in Oulu before I leave for my next adventure. One month passed and not a lot happened because I simply have no energy left after work. I’m looking at the black hole again, which at the moment is my work. Every morning I tell myself today it will get better and I start my day having sun shine inside me, but black hole sucks me in at the end of the day. One or two good days in a month are not enough to keep me going anymore, not even the fact that every day we get one minute more daylight! 

Yesterday four students (some challenging ones) were away and we had nice time and silence in my class. Meaning at the end of the day I still had energy left to do things and even went swimming with Jen. But today the black hole was getting deeper than ever before. After a long time I had experienced such a nice and calm, almost like a normal school day and I couldn’t tolerate the chaos and noise anymore. Today afternoon I was so tired, like I’d run a marathon or something and it’s only Tuesday. Red wine and chocolate and it’s only TUESDAY. How will I last this week and what about 18 DAYS????

As a typical Finish home I grew up to walk even through the wall if needed and admitting that I can’t do this right now is really difficult, even more, it feels like a failure even if I know that it’s not really my fault. Also my students would most probably feel much better not having me around for a while if I’m like this. At the moment knowing that there are things to look forward won’t  keep me going anymore, 25 days before I see my dear sister, niece and nephew and 26 days to go to get out of Finland for a week and see a dear friend. At the moment it feels like an eternity. 

Lately I’ve been thinking about teacher job a lot and how much I preferred I could to do this job together with someone. What is the point in life if you spend most of your time working alone? I’m so much looking forward to go to Peru and not being in responsible of everything. Of course I chose my current job myself, but how little I knew how alone I’d be. On the other hand I do love my and job and students, but I wish I could do it together with someone. Luckily, I know I’m not alone with this feeling and especially young teachers would prefer to work together with another teacher. Don’t get me wrong, I like working as a teacher but not the way it is right now. 

THIS IS FOR YOU ALL TEACHERS WHO ARE SICK OF WORKING ALONE AND HAS A DIFFERENT VIEW OF SCHOOL, LET’S SAVE MONEY AND GET OUT OF HERE AND START SOMETHING NEW!!!!

I’m so grateful about Sini (my flatmate) and the fact that we’re working in same school right now. Without her it would be very difficult to get up in the morning. I enjoy our walks to school despite of the snow ( SNOW SNOW SNOW AND LITTLE BIT MORE SNOW!!!)  Also thanks to some of my special colleagues, who are so very special <3 A&T Thank you for being there for me!!! 

What happens in my future is a big question mark. Am I ever able to find a place to work where I enjoy working for many years? More and more I wish I could start up a community school (somewhere were the SUN shines most of the year around and it’s warm more than 3 months of the year). Somewhere were people don’t complain about the stupid things (in Finland complaining is inborn) and are able to let go, enjoy and have fun at work with the students. 

 Of course I’m still an idealistic little princess who wishes to find that place one day despite of my current downfall!

But maybe right now it’s time to give this current fight and breath for a little while...

I told you to be patient I told you to be fine And I told you to be balanced And I told you to be kind