What means giving up?
Does it mean that you give up or you think about yourself? I think it’s time to
start being honest how I feel because I have a long year to go after June with
my thoughts...
I was looking forward this New Year and new
adventures. I had many plans what I would do here in Oulu before I leave for my
next adventure. One month passed and not a lot happened because I simply have
no energy left after work. I’m looking at the black hole again, which at the
moment is my work. Every morning I tell myself today it will get better and I
start my day having sun shine inside me, but black hole sucks me in at the end
of the day. One or two good days in a month are not enough to keep me going anymore,
not even the fact that every day we get one minute more daylight!
Yesterday four students (some challenging ones)
were away and we had nice time and silence in my class. Meaning at the end of
the day I still had energy left to do things and even went swimming with Jen.
But today the black hole was getting deeper than ever before. After a long time
I had experienced such a nice and calm, almost like a normal school day and I
couldn’t tolerate the chaos and noise anymore. Today afternoon I was so tired,
like I’d run a marathon or something and it’s only Tuesday. Red wine and
chocolate and it’s only TUESDAY. How will I last this week and what about 18
DAYS????
As a typical Finish home I grew up to walk even
through the wall if needed and admitting that I can’t do this right now is
really difficult, even more, it feels like a failure even if I know that it’s
not really my fault. Also my students would most probably feel much better not
having me around for a while if I’m like this. At the moment knowing that there
are things to look forward won’t keep me
going anymore, 25 days before I see my dear sister, niece and nephew and 26
days to go to get out of Finland for a week and see a dear friend. At the
moment it feels like an eternity.
Lately I’ve been thinking about teacher job a
lot and how much I preferred I could to do this job together with someone. What
is the point in life if you spend most of your time working alone? I’m so much looking
forward to go to Peru and not being in responsible of everything. Of course I
chose my current job myself, but how little I knew how alone I’d be. On the
other hand I do love my and job and students, but I wish I could do it together
with someone. Luckily, I know I’m not alone with this feeling and especially
young teachers would prefer to work together with another teacher. Don’t get me
wrong, I like working as a teacher but not the way it is right now.
THIS IS FOR YOU ALL TEACHERS WHO ARE SICK OF
WORKING ALONE AND HAS A DIFFERENT VIEW OF SCHOOL, LET’S SAVE MONEY AND GET OUT
OF HERE AND START SOMETHING NEW!!!!
I’m so grateful about Sini (my flatmate) and
the fact that we’re working in same school right now. Without her it would be
very difficult to get up in the morning. I enjoy our walks to school despite of
the snow ( SNOW SNOW SNOW AND LITTLE BIT MORE SNOW!!!) Also thanks to some of my special colleagues,
who are so very special <3 A&T Thank you for being there for me!!!
What happens in my future is a big question
mark. Am I ever able to find a place to work where I enjoy working for many years?
More and more I wish I could start up a community school (somewhere were the SUN
shines most of the year around and it’s warm more than 3 months of the year).
Somewhere were people don’t complain about the stupid things (in Finland
complaining is inborn) and are able to let go, enjoy and have fun at work with
the students.
Of course I’m still an idealistic little princess who wishes to
find that place one day despite of my current downfall!
But maybe right now it’s time to give this current fight and
breath for a little while...
I told you to be patient I told you to be fine And I told you to be balanced And I told you to be kind
I told you to be patient I told you to be fine And I told you to be balanced And I told you to be kind
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