Ikävä

En saa unta, kun suljen silmät edessä vilisee sekamelska ja sydämeni hakkaa nopeampaa ja kuulen jokaisen lyönnin korvissa. Nousen ylös, nappaan tietokoneen ja hiivin hiljaa toiseen huoneeseen. Yritän saada rauhan kirjoittamalla tämän pahaolon ulos itsestäni. Viimeiset pari viikkoa olet ollut ajatuksissani. Olafin itsemurha toi taas jälleen kerran sinut mieleeni, sekä mun gradu. Tämän iltainen televisiosarja, jonka piti olla gradusta ajatukset poisvievä, oli ehkä viimeinen pisara. Siinä oli itsemurhayritys, lääkkeillä, sitä mitä sinäkin aluksi yritit. Hajosin palasiksi jälleen kerran. Mietin edelleen miksi meille ei kerrottu mitään miksi siitä vaiettiin? Oisko me voitu pelastaa sut jos me ois tiedetty et sä olit yrittäny ottaa hengen iteltäs lääkkeillä? Eikö ne lääkärit muka tajunnu? Siihen enkä mihinkään muuhun ikinä saa vastausta, en ikinä. Vuodet vaihtuu ja aika kuluu, yhdeksän vuotta, etkä ole ajatuksissa enää niin usein. Kuvittelin mummon hautajaisten yhteydessä että asiat on jo paremmin, koska mä handlasin senkin, että mummo laskettiin hautaan sun haudan viereen, enkä hajonnu palasiksi niin kuin Olavin hautajaisissa muutama vuosi sitten. Otin jopa yhden oranssin ruusun meidän kukkalaitteesta ja laitoin sen sun haudalla olevaan maljakkoon. Olin kelannu sen koko hautajais kuvion etukäteen ja käyny sen läpi päässäni niin monta kertaa et mä selvisin siitä tällä kertaa. Mutta Olafin lähtö oli liikaa. Taas yksi ihminen lisää, joka lähti tästä maailmasta koska ei jaksanut taistella. Taistelitko sinäkin? Mitä vastaan sinä taistelit ja miksi et koskaan puhunut meille mitään? Tuntuu että kerta toisensa jälkeen elän aina sen tuskan uudelleen, sun menettämisen tuskan. Se puristaa mun rintaa niin lujaa, että tuntuu etten pysty hengittämään, se tuntuu mun kurkussa ja valuu ulos voimakkaana itkuhuutona. Pistän käden suun eteen ja tukahdutan sen äänettömäksi etten herätä nukkuvaa taloa. Purkautuva itku ja paha olo alkaa hellittää pikkuhiljaa. Kirjoittaminen auttaa. Yritän saada jotain muuta ajateltavaa, selaan nettiä, säälittävää facebookkia, mutta alan rauhottua, koska facebookin infotulva täyttää mun aivot jollain ihan muulla epäoleellisella tiedolla. Itku ja pahaolo on puristettu ulos taas seuraavaan kertaan, sillä sinua on ikävä, aina.

When life happens...my grandpa Kemi

My grandpa Kemi (Kemin pappa) died last Sunday, unexpectedly. Week before he turned 81 years. 

Grandpa at his 81 birthday

He died at home, fast without suffering, which was what he always had wanted. He hated hospitals, doctors, being sick even more the thought that one day he would need to live so that someone else is looking after him. Even though I have known this might happen when I’m not in Finland, yet I was not ready for it and not ready for the feelings that hit me after the sad news. 

My grandparents have been important part of my life. When I was little we spend some part of the summer at their house or they came to stay with us after they were retired. We went fishing with grandpa, he taught us to use tools to make stuff out of wood, we went to the forest to pick berries and we planted potatoes every spring and in the autumn we all gathered together to pick them up. Me and my sister often travelled with them around Finland when we were little. They always took us with them. He loved his grandchildren very much, and children in general. All were welcome. Picking up potatoes has always been an important tradition for my family, even if we have consumed less potatoes in the past years, still it's something that we all enjoyed doing. Being there together, doing it together, eating together and having fun together was why we enjoyed it so much. Grandpa always drove the tractor and we pick up the potatoes.  

Gradpa driving the tractor while picking up the potatoes together with the whole family and friends for the last time in Sebtember 2011

Picking up potatoes together with the whole family and friends for the last time in Sebtember 2011

Later when I was older, they helped me out with other stuff, moving, lending furniture to my apartment and lent me money when I returned home from my travel without having a single penny. I could always count on them. In return, I helped out cleaning their house, cooking, keeping company and later looking after grandmom sometimes when it was needed because she has Alzheimer. Yet, within the last few years while being in Finland I feel I could have spent a bit more time with them. I guess we all feel that way when we lose our love ones. 

My grandpa had incredible memory, like a computer. He was a good storyteller and had so many stories to tell, some when he was 3 years old! I always thought if I ever write a PhD. It will be related to my grandpa. Now it’s too late to ask questions, too late to record stories. So everyone who is reading this and has thought of doing something similar with someone you know, do it now, don’t wait. 

Why are we so busy with our life and works that we don’t find time to connect with people in the moment? We rush through the life achieving in work in life, for what? We cannot take it to grave with us. The most important thing in life is how we connect with people and spend time together in every single moment we have. We shouldn’t be too busy not to have time talk to our friends, our colleagues, our families and even strangers.

I called my grandpa three weeks ago. We talked for long, he was telling about how happy they were just being at home and everything was ok. I was extremely happy I made that phone call and had change to talk to him before he passed away. 

I have decided to postpone my travel until October. I will come to Finland for the funeral and also to spent time with my grandma, so that things we’ll be a bit easier for her as well. Besides that I will get to spend time with my friends and family who are there. Of course it means I also need to work there because it’s not cheap for me to come to Finland, mean no money to continue my travel. So any substitute teacher or any other work in Rovaniemi, Oulu, Helsinki, Tampere or in Europe are more than welcome!

Just when I thought I had all figured out for a while, life happened, I guess there is a reason for all this. However Latin America and Australia will wait for me, but my grandpa will be burried only once and my grandmother may not be the way she is now for long. Luckily, I am able to postpone my flights up to April 2015.

Even if I’m far I want you to know that I love you all and think of you all when I’m not there where you are.

A beautiful song written for a grandpa