Mulibuanji?Buino,bwanju? minibuses, One Zambia One Nation, Fendela fenduse, sweat, heat, rain, twenty people stuffed in to a one minibus, fens, scary dogs, people smiling, people dancing, loud music, drumming, taxis, holes on the roads, waiting - waiting – waiting - waiting, children playing, people selling things on the streets, fruits, Arcades, Mandahill, corruption, poverty, muzungu - muzungu - muzungu, amazing sunsets, death, sleeping under mosquito nets, Malaria, crickets, tens of proposals for marriage, hiv/aids, orphans, smile, joy, men expressing their love on the streets to me, white = money, Lariam dreams, nsima – nsima - nsima, Victoria falls, waiting for hours for bus to leave at 4am, cockroaches, brothers and sisters, power cuts, Chipata, Nc’wala ceremony, goat=a present from the chief of the village on your plate at the dinner table in front of twenty people, sleeping with the rats, chitenges, “showering” under the stars, eating dry fish without salt and chewy meat, dancing with the women and children, South Luanga national park, amazing Safari, mangoes, washing laundry by hand, people preaching everywhere especially in the bus and in the schools, people trying to convert you when you tell them you don’t follow any religion, a priest proposing a marriage without never seeing me, endless malaria tests, people telling you how fat you are, walking slowly, wake up with the sunrise, time is for people, silence and beauty of countryside, running stomach, typhoid parasites, no stress, living in a moment, values, extended families, colorful clothes, a joy of a child who is loved, a beauty of a Zambian woman walking…this is my Zambia.
Zambia, December 2008
I feel very frustrated about whole Ubuntu after visiting a couple of schools here in the area of Chipata, in the city and in the villages. It is obvious that school culture and the culture of the village are more or less in constant state of tension, as they mentioned at the University, of course depending on a situation in each village, but I don’t even know how to get into that. Who am I as a white woman, outsider to come and “solve” or point out this problem? Also thinking about the ethics of the school and the questions I wanted to ask from the principals and the teachers, I felt so stupid even thinking about it after hearing all the issues they are struggling with every day just to keep the schools running, no funding, sicknesses, pregnancies, hunger and so on. What an idealistic little shit I’ve become back there in my nice little easy life in Europe? When one loses the touch of the reality of other people, one starts to develop ideas which are as ridiculous to carry out as the fact that every Zambian child is able to go to school!!! Have I forgotten all the previous experiences in the rural India and elsewhere? I’ve come to realize Ubuntu as philosophy or maybe even as a phenomenon absolutely deserve a broader research. Yet, I’ve started to see the “negative” aspects of Ubuntu more clearly, like the role of the community in individual’s life, what we also touched in our Bachelors’ thesis. There are dangers especially in the present society, which is in a constant change, whereas the communities, especially the traditional cultures are exposed to such things that they cannot or they don’t have the tools to cope with and therefore they tend to become even more focused on about their own old traditions.
Melbourne, December 2010
Once again Javi has to listen to me opening about my thesis, because I need to discuss with someone. I’m excited and fearful at the same time trying my best to explain what I'm doing . I tell him about reflexive writing, about the book I was reading the other day and how I’m struggling to structure everything. After listening me opening up quite a while, Javi finally interrupts me asking if I understand the fact that when I write about myself and those things, I have to be open to criticisms. He wonders how I’m able to defend my thesis, if I’m even able to. He continues pointing out that for sure my professors will criticize me and if they will even accept my thesis, if I do it the way I want to do it and write myself in it. I must admit he is not the only thinking I must be mad, couple of other people, I told about my thesis at the University of Melbourne, commented if it is really acceptable to write that kind of thesis and what kind of validity it has. I’m feeling bit anxious and disappointed if that was all what Javi had to say, so I sigh and I argue to Javi, like the others before and for many more to come, that for me it is enough that my thesis contributes meaningfully to the life of the readers as well as mine. If I am able to make my readers to feel something I have succeeded and my research has validity.
Finland, May 2012
I have bags full of books that carry between the home, University and my workplace on Sundays. I cannot concentrate at home. Most of this year, I feel like being a dead zombie, because I sleep so little, I have too many things in my head all the time. Either I’m writing my thesis while sleeping or having nightmares about my thesis or my work. Let alone other things that happen in life and of course life happens when you simply have no time for it. So time after time I ask myself, what is important in life and most often thesis comes second, even if I myself chose the ‘difficult’ way of doing it. Many times I asked myself WHY I AM NOT ABLE TO FINISH THIS BLOODY THESIS How can some people have kids, work and even study all at the same time? After I stepped out of the ‘wheel of accomplishing’ all the time, it’s difficult to step back in, though I must say a lot easier in Finland, because you’re simply sucked in. But it’s not healthy way of living. I wonder why I cannot concentrate to formulate my thoughts into proper academic sentences. It’s all in my head, but I cannot get it out, only if I could just write a story or even dance my thesis. I use to write fairly good essays, not that it was easy, but maybe it's the size of this work that freaks me out and I feel so alone with it. Lack of energy, time and frustration, when you realize you’re not capable of doing what you want or had planned, in the end rescheduling slowly eats you inside, because you simply don’t see the end coming. Time is out, I have used my fifteen minutes already.
