Summer...

It's 00.02 and I'm sitting outside in our balcony. Just got home from my fairwell party with Karmiini, which is a dance group I've been part of more than a year now. We had our spring performace today and I was so pround of us, how far we've come from where we started. I'm so lucky that I've been able to be part of this group and all the things I've learned this year and challenging myself in a form of dance and performing after many many many years. Theme for the whole Spring performance was Rebellion of Toybox :) Name of our performance was "freeing" of make-up faces (Meikkipään irtiotto).



I cycled at home at midnight only wearing a dress, watcing the amazing colours in the horizon while sun was setting,  +17 and it's almost like a daylight. All I could do was smile and enjoy the life around me, trees bursting into a life. Suddenly I can see life everywhere and it's amazing! I hear birds singing and smell forest around me and it's night time. I fell in love with Finland again and my heart feels like bursting into tears because I know I'll be leaving again. Once again I'm about to leave when the best time of the year in Finland starts.

As you know I've been struggling the whole winter, but then when the light and warm comes back I feel like I can breath again and start to enjoy life. Amount of Sun affects me in so many ways and not just me but most Finns, they get bit crazy after a long and dark winter. Suddenly you see people every where and realize how many people actually live in your appartment block, because they finally get out of their apartments.

Past months have been crazy in so many ways. Stories and amazing things to share with you I've had many, like my holiday in Spain in March which was a turning point for my awakening for this Spring, but at the same time I felt bad having such a good time once again outside Finland, which made me not want to share it with you. Maybe I'll share it with you later. Also I've had hard time leaving my job...despite of the challenging times I've had with my students, I love each one of them and leaving them before the term was over was difficult for them and for me. But life goes on (I go and see them every week x) and it is time to move on.

Moving on seems to be harder than before. I've had too many good people around me this year, what makes jumping (once again) to something unknown (Peru) even if it is my own choice, very difficult. There was a reason to come back to Finland and spend here the last two years, to live with these amazing people and feel a sence of belonging. However, belong to what has been last two years won't exist here next year, so it is time to let go, look for new adventures and find a sence of belonging from somewhere else.

Still, I will miss Finnish summer, allthough I know it's too short anyways (except mosquitos, which have not yet arrived so I'm actually enjoyig the best moments of the summer, because it's so warm and no mosquitos). At least I have a one month to go!

Below pictures of Oulu around my apartment at 00.00 tonight.

To let myself go

Being with Ernest

Last Friday afternoon I cycled home extremely tired because the day at work once again ended two of my students having a fight. I hate when it happens before the weekend, especially when they refuse to become reconciled. I was wondering if I had enough energy to be with Ernest, (my 3, 5 year old nephew from my extended family) having a fake memory in my head him screaming for half hour straight last time I was babysitting him. Most Fridays, I look after Ernest and Lilly when they parents go to their hobby. I quite enjoy it, because then I know for sure that I will spend some time with them every week. Even if I’m not the most energetic person on Fridays they are fun to be with. Usually Ernest is easy going and the most wonderful child on earth with me. But this time would be different also because Lilly wouldn't be there.

My doubt was unnecessary. When I entered our corridor trying to find my keys Ernest opened his door excitedly (he had been waiting for me and seen me coming) having the most beautiful smile on his face holding his teddy bear and shawl and told me that he wants to go out. I smiled back. He simply melted my heart. I manage to convince him to stay inside for little while, so that I have time to eat something and sit down. Patiently he waited for me, but kept repeating that he wants to go out. Finally I said to him let’s go out and he ran home across the corridor to take his clothes. When we got outside I was amazed, that it was almost 5pm and there was still daylight, sun was just setting. I understood why Ernest so eagerly wanted to go out!!! For couple of months it’s been dark when we get home, so you don’t really want to go and play outside. But now only -7°C and still light outside, what a perfect weather to play! Slowly, light is coming back to our life! 

We played outside in the snow and Ernest was showing me icicles and the amazing snow castle/cave, which they had been building. I was amazed and took some pictures being little bit jealous that I hadn't been part of building it.

  

We had so much fun despite of tha fact that there was so much snow!

Despite of the snow I will slide!

Climbing? Maybe not!

Table? Shall we have dinner?

No dinner, but I want to jump on it!

After playing there almost for an hour it was getting dark and we’re pretty exhausted. We went inside and made hot chocolate. Since it was dark already we lighted up some candles and enjoyed tasteful quiet moment with hot chocolate. 

Ernest was getting tired. He was very cuddlely, normally he isn’t that much, but now he wanted to be in my lap while I was trying to make some food. Tears started runing when I realized that, we only have about three months left together before we have to say goodbye. Leaving the dear ones behind is never easy, especially with little ones. However, I know and hope this won’t be the last time we live so close to each other. Also times like this, which we spend together will stay in my mind always! 

I love you Ernest!

After Ernest went home our dinner was ready to eat.  

Pasta with  Spinach blue cheese sauce and red wine!

Delicious!!!

  

As higligt for that evening was a relaxing sauna. 

After the Sauna all I could do was SLEEP!

There is no better way ending the hard week at work than last Friday!

Truth about Sauna!  (contains nakedness ;)

Don't worry be happy...

DANCE- We got the beat

For way too long I’ve not been out dancing, but that mistake was corrected last Friday. Despite of the fact that I was dead tired after another challenging week at work on Friday I forced myself to move after an hour nap and two cups of strong coffee. Even managed to make myself look somehow decent and not like a living dead ;) Already a second time I was heading out with Jen after living in Oulu together for quite some time…

Music was pretty good and atmosphere was nice because of many familiar faces. We danced a lot and I consumed few classes of liquid, which made me even more relaxed and happy. In the end even a surprising encounter. What a perfect evening :)

I love dancing when music is good and it makes me feel so happy!!! Thank you we got the beat club! SO MORE DANCING IN MY LIFE TO KEEP ME GOING…friends convince me to go out more often and let me know when there is good dance music in Oulu! 

THEATRE – Laugh therapy 

This weekend I went to Helsinki to meet people related to my Peru volunteering. Meeting was on Sunday, so I thought to civilize myself in a form of theatre on Saturday evening with my mother. She got us tickets to see Ulla Tapaninen – Lava ammuntaa. We laughed so much for two hours, it was GOOD. Means I should also go to the theatre more often. So my more outgoing and cultural friends tell me if there is something good to see in Oulu!!!

BLOND - by accident

I have lived in Oulu almost for two years, which means that amount of sunlight in my life has been VERY LIMITED, especially due to last summer (we saw more rain than sun) therefore my sunburned blond hair has slowly turn into depressing grey, which makes my pale skin (also lack of sunlight) look even more pale. No wonder that my students keep telling me that teacher you look ugly today - ope miksi sinä ruma tänään? (they are very honest) if I’m lazy and don’t put mascara on. Last week one of them told me to go and put my eyes on :D

-          Ope miksi sinä ruma silmä tänään? Teacher why you ugly eye today?

-          Mun ripsiväri jäi töihin. I forgot my mascara at work.

-          Ope tämä ei sinun silmä. Mene laita oma silmä päähän. Teacher this not your eye. Go and put your eye in your head.

After the break…

-          Hyvä ope, nyt sinä oma silmä. Tämä kaunis! Good teacher, now you have your eyes. This pretty!

Most of the times I don’t care about my hair, but now especially having the dance performance coming along in two weeks, I thought I would lighten up my grey hair putting some highlights. For saving money I thought mom could do it. She did but the result became bit TOO blond, because we’re watching television while doing it and forgot the track of time! As a result instead of trying to make my hair look brighter it looks like I’m a teenager who desperately wants to have blond stripes in her dark hair. Whatever, it’s just hair and maybe I can make some people laugh :D !

  So I try again find more positive things in life :)....

 DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY

When 25 days is too far away…

What means giving up? Does it mean that you give up or you think about yourself? I think it’s time to start being honest how I feel because I have a long year to go after June with my thoughts...

I was looking forward this New Year and new adventures. I had many plans what I would do here in Oulu before I leave for my next adventure. One month passed and not a lot happened because I simply have no energy left after work. I’m looking at the black hole again, which at the moment is my work. Every morning I tell myself today it will get better and I start my day having sun shine inside me, but black hole sucks me in at the end of the day. One or two good days in a month are not enough to keep me going anymore, not even the fact that every day we get one minute more daylight! 

Yesterday four students (some challenging ones) were away and we had nice time and silence in my class. Meaning at the end of the day I still had energy left to do things and even went swimming with Jen. But today the black hole was getting deeper than ever before. After a long time I had experienced such a nice and calm, almost like a normal school day and I couldn’t tolerate the chaos and noise anymore. Today afternoon I was so tired, like I’d run a marathon or something and it’s only Tuesday. Red wine and chocolate and it’s only TUESDAY. How will I last this week and what about 18 DAYS????

As a typical Finish home I grew up to walk even through the wall if needed and admitting that I can’t do this right now is really difficult, even more, it feels like a failure even if I know that it’s not really my fault. Also my students would most probably feel much better not having me around for a while if I’m like this. At the moment knowing that there are things to look forward won’t  keep me going anymore, 25 days before I see my dear sister, niece and nephew and 26 days to go to get out of Finland for a week and see a dear friend. At the moment it feels like an eternity. 

Lately I’ve been thinking about teacher job a lot and how much I preferred I could to do this job together with someone. What is the point in life if you spend most of your time working alone? I’m so much looking forward to go to Peru and not being in responsible of everything. Of course I chose my current job myself, but how little I knew how alone I’d be. On the other hand I do love my and job and students, but I wish I could do it together with someone. Luckily, I know I’m not alone with this feeling and especially young teachers would prefer to work together with another teacher. Don’t get me wrong, I like working as a teacher but not the way it is right now. 

THIS IS FOR YOU ALL TEACHERS WHO ARE SICK OF WORKING ALONE AND HAS A DIFFERENT VIEW OF SCHOOL, LET’S SAVE MONEY AND GET OUT OF HERE AND START SOMETHING NEW!!!!

I’m so grateful about Sini (my flatmate) and the fact that we’re working in same school right now. Without her it would be very difficult to get up in the morning. I enjoy our walks to school despite of the snow ( SNOW SNOW SNOW AND LITTLE BIT MORE SNOW!!!)  Also thanks to some of my special colleagues, who are so very special <3 A&T Thank you for being there for me!!! 

What happens in my future is a big question mark. Am I ever able to find a place to work where I enjoy working for many years? More and more I wish I could start up a community school (somewhere were the SUN shines most of the year around and it’s warm more than 3 months of the year). Somewhere were people don’t complain about the stupid things (in Finland complaining is inborn) and are able to let go, enjoy and have fun at work with the students. 

 Of course I’m still an idealistic little princess who wishes to find that place one day despite of my current downfall!

But maybe right now it’s time to give this current fight and breath for a little while...

I told you to be patient I told you to be fine And I told you to be balanced And I told you to be kind 

Year 2012

Once again one year has come to an end. It means is time to look back how the year was. Despite of my effort to keep this blog running I’ve only manage to write nine blog entries and this is will be tenth one talking about year 2012 even if it is already the third day of the year 2013 and I'm still writing this.

Surprisingly this year started in Finland and ended in Finland. It’s a first time since 2005 I’ve stayed a full year in Finland, only went for a short holiday during the summer. Yet, I'm ALIVE, even maintained my sanity despite of little downfalls. However, as a result I find myself going on the road again this year to look for new adventures. I guess I could say I’m a traveler and I need to go on the road again to experience something new (my addiction). Even more I need SUN in my life. Maybe one day I find a warm place where I feel like staying for longer time but until then it's better go when I feel like it. 
Lähdetään kauas pois... 


This entry is kind of a summary of my year about things I wrote, but due to my laziness or busyness whatever you call it I didn't puplish them. Some of them are my thoughts, some things that made me happy and special moment I shared with someone.

DINNERS

I love eating together with people. Even more I like cooking together with someone or to someone. This year I have had many amazing dinners with many amazing people in Oulu, Rovaniemi, Helsinki, France and Spain. With people from several different countries, sometimes a simple picnic, but I loved all these moments I shared with people while eating. Some of them who I had just met, some who I've known for long but it's always as good. I have so many excellent meals this year! Thank you for all those moment of eating together. Let's have even more dinners during the year 2013!!!

Get together with my mates from university at Saana's cottage

Midsummer at Katja's summerhouse

Picnic in Paris with Susan and Estano

BEING ALONE AND FEELING GOOD

No matter how much I love being and living with people sometimes I need time just to be alone. This autumn I have managed to find and take more time for myself. Of course it is natural feeling when the autumn comes in Finland that you just wanna hide in the dark corner, but this time it has not been like that. It’s been more being alone with my own thoughts, write more (even if I have not published them) and feel good inside. One way it is also preparing myself to the situation where I will be alone, not having anyone who knows me around whenever I feel like talking. Of course I will always carry you in my heart wherever I go and I will have my imaginary conversations with you while writing, as I do now with the ones who are outside Finland.

PAST

Sometimes we get hooked with the past, especially if it is something that was never solved or dealt with. Often a problem for women, I hear men saying, but I reckon it goes both ways. Finally, after some years I managed to close some doors behind me, at least one for sure. I feel the circle has come to an end. That feeling when you realize something that once existed has vanished and the excitement or the anger is no longer there when you meet, is liberating. More, I realize that even if some decision back then were difficult to make, they were right for me and they still are. So what is left? Sometimes a friendship or maybe more like the feeling of familiarity, because of something that we once shared. However, they will always be part of my life some in the past and others in the future.

The secret of health for both mind and body

is not to mourn for the past,

not to worry about future,

or not to anticipate troubles,

but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.

 ~ Buddha

LOVE

Once again I realize I prefer to wait that I see you again LOVE. Not being able to fell in love or be in love is a lost. The feeling of being in love or loving someone near or far is always amazing even if it can be hard sometimes. Still loving someone is the best feeling I know of and I am sure that the LOVE will find its way back to me when the time is right. I’m not afraid of you.

LOVE

COUCH SURFERS

Despite of being busy and tired this autumn, I have enjoyed having couch surfers staying with us. They have been the light in my regular life here in Finland. Most of them have been interesting people who I enjoyed spending time with. More, they have been a very good excuse to stop being busy for a while, get to know new people and easy on my longing for traveling by listening others. I think in South-America I will continue my couch surfing experiences being the one who is crashing to other peoples couches. It was a pleasure to meet you all and hope to meet new ones next year! You're most welcome!

EMPOWERMENT- Make your dream comes true

When I’m unhappy with my life I think about the things I’m dreaming of and things I would like to do in my life. Often something comes up and I know that this is what I need to do next. This time it came in a form of email and when I read it I knew this is it, this is what I wanted to do for a while already and this time it is my change. To have something waiting for ahead makes me feel better about living in a moment in here because I know this chapter will come to an end and after that I will once more open a new chapter in my life.  Next may not be easier than this one, but different and I need difference and adventures in my life!

I was right, it was my change and I'm going to Peru to do volunteering for six months in June 2013.

  

LIGHT in the darkness - SNOW

Right now I’m sitting in a bus on my way back to Oulu from Jyväskylä. I feel like the whole world has changed within a week, light came back to us in a form of snow. First snow is always somehow magical and I’m so happy to see it after depressing autumn darkness. Luckily this year it came early and I hope it will stay this way, please stay! However, I know after few months I will be begging that it would melt already, but I prefer to live in this moment and at this moment snow and whiteness feel really good. 

My friend's daughter Elvi and her first time walking on a snow

SOME SPECIAL MOMENTS in 2012

 

This year I had many good moments with speacial friends and I cannot share all of them with you. But these events and meetings made a huge smile on my face and they were some highlights of this year.

        

On my winter holiday I had a change

to spend time at my 

grandpas' cottage in Autti                                                    

with one of my favorite people. Jen is missing from the picture. 

Later this year Mimmi and Matias
 moved to OZ :(

Luckily I got Jen, Gabor, Lilly & Ernest as my neighbors!

The World Village Festival in May in Helsinki with Katja, Sofia&Thiago. 
Always as good to hang around with them. 

In June I met up with Virginia finally after six year!!!

 Last time in Sikkim this time in southern France. 

She is very special friend to me even if we don't meet very often.

Mid Summer in the countryside with my very special friend Katja and her family 

enjoying good company, 

good food and thesis writing. 

From the picture on the left you can see how cold our summer was.

 

Me and Matthias in Berlin in July meeting each other after four years. 
I had a great time! He is very dear to me.

 My amazing roommate Sini since August 2012.   Asher, who brought light into our life.
I love living with her.                                        

Ps. I have stolen these photos from their pages because they were good ones and I simply had none :(. So I better give gredit to them taking the photos!                                                                                                                                        

In October a Weekend with my beautiful and dear 'las primadonnas', (ballet mates). 
So great to realize that it is still the same being together as (almost) 18 years ago,

of course we grew older and life happened to all of us, but we are still there.

What we once shared for so long never goes away and we can always keep building on that. 

We should definately do it again!

October ETVO - orientation weekend 

The first weekend of my autumn holiday I had the orientation weekend for my volunteering in Peru. All together we’re around about people, who were going to do volunteering in different parts of the world, some in different African countries, others in Nepal and only two of us in Latin America. I felt like going on a camp like we used to go when I was a little child. The place was outside Helsinki, next to a lake, calming and beautiful place, just what I needed from my autumn holiday. We were accommodated in 6 rooms with bunk beds. All of us had different background and we’re working in different fields.  Yet, we all shared the same goal, going to do volunteering. Of course we all have different reasons for doing so, which made it even more interesting. It was so nice meet so many likeminded people, to be able to talk about development, co-operation, global issues and most of all shared our experiences around the world. On Saturday night we had a sauna (which is kind of a must for Finns no matter what is the occasion) and even I followed others and swam in a freezing lake!!! Yes, I who don’t enjoy swimming in a cold water, but I did it and it was very refreshing and relaxing! Even if the weekend was very intensive and informative, it was also empowering and I felt like I travelled during this weekend to many places, at least in my memories.

Kirsi + Tampere visit

People in Jyväskylä <3

New Year at my favorite uncle in Rovaniemi with Jaci

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!
MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!!!