Year 2012

Once again one year has come to an end. It means is time to look back how the year was. Despite of my effort to keep this blog running I’ve only manage to write nine blog entries and this is will be tenth one talking about year 2012 even if it is already the third day of the year 2013 and I'm still writing this.

Surprisingly this year started in Finland and ended in Finland. It’s a first time since 2005 I’ve stayed a full year in Finland, only went for a short holiday during the summer. Yet, I'm ALIVE, even maintained my sanity despite of little downfalls. However, as a result I find myself going on the road again this year to look for new adventures. I guess I could say I’m a traveler and I need to go on the road again to experience something new (my addiction). Even more I need SUN in my life. Maybe one day I find a warm place where I feel like staying for longer time but until then it's better go when I feel like it. 
Lähdetään kauas pois... 


This entry is kind of a summary of my year about things I wrote, but due to my laziness or busyness whatever you call it I didn't puplish them. Some of them are my thoughts, some things that made me happy and special moment I shared with someone.

DINNERS

I love eating together with people. Even more I like cooking together with someone or to someone. This year I have had many amazing dinners with many amazing people in Oulu, Rovaniemi, Helsinki, France and Spain. With people from several different countries, sometimes a simple picnic, but I loved all these moments I shared with people while eating. Some of them who I had just met, some who I've known for long but it's always as good. I have so many excellent meals this year! Thank you for all those moment of eating together. Let's have even more dinners during the year 2013!!!

Get together with my mates from university at Saana's cottage

Midsummer at Katja's summerhouse

Picnic in Paris with Susan and Estano

BEING ALONE AND FEELING GOOD

No matter how much I love being and living with people sometimes I need time just to be alone. This autumn I have managed to find and take more time for myself. Of course it is natural feeling when the autumn comes in Finland that you just wanna hide in the dark corner, but this time it has not been like that. It’s been more being alone with my own thoughts, write more (even if I have not published them) and feel good inside. One way it is also preparing myself to the situation where I will be alone, not having anyone who knows me around whenever I feel like talking. Of course I will always carry you in my heart wherever I go and I will have my imaginary conversations with you while writing, as I do now with the ones who are outside Finland.

PAST

Sometimes we get hooked with the past, especially if it is something that was never solved or dealt with. Often a problem for women, I hear men saying, but I reckon it goes both ways. Finally, after some years I managed to close some doors behind me, at least one for sure. I feel the circle has come to an end. That feeling when you realize something that once existed has vanished and the excitement or the anger is no longer there when you meet, is liberating. More, I realize that even if some decision back then were difficult to make, they were right for me and they still are. So what is left? Sometimes a friendship or maybe more like the feeling of familiarity, because of something that we once shared. However, they will always be part of my life some in the past and others in the future.

The secret of health for both mind and body

is not to mourn for the past,

not to worry about future,

or not to anticipate troubles,

but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.

 ~ Buddha

LOVE

Once again I realize I prefer to wait that I see you again LOVE. Not being able to fell in love or be in love is a lost. The feeling of being in love or loving someone near or far is always amazing even if it can be hard sometimes. Still loving someone is the best feeling I know of and I am sure that the LOVE will find its way back to me when the time is right. I’m not afraid of you.

LOVE

COUCH SURFERS

Despite of being busy and tired this autumn, I have enjoyed having couch surfers staying with us. They have been the light in my regular life here in Finland. Most of them have been interesting people who I enjoyed spending time with. More, they have been a very good excuse to stop being busy for a while, get to know new people and easy on my longing for traveling by listening others. I think in South-America I will continue my couch surfing experiences being the one who is crashing to other peoples couches. It was a pleasure to meet you all and hope to meet new ones next year! You're most welcome!

EMPOWERMENT- Make your dream comes true

When I’m unhappy with my life I think about the things I’m dreaming of and things I would like to do in my life. Often something comes up and I know that this is what I need to do next. This time it came in a form of email and when I read it I knew this is it, this is what I wanted to do for a while already and this time it is my change. To have something waiting for ahead makes me feel better about living in a moment in here because I know this chapter will come to an end and after that I will once more open a new chapter in my life.  Next may not be easier than this one, but different and I need difference and adventures in my life!

I was right, it was my change and I'm going to Peru to do volunteering for six months in June 2013.

  

LIGHT in the darkness - SNOW

Right now I’m sitting in a bus on my way back to Oulu from Jyväskylä. I feel like the whole world has changed within a week, light came back to us in a form of snow. First snow is always somehow magical and I’m so happy to see it after depressing autumn darkness. Luckily this year it came early and I hope it will stay this way, please stay! However, I know after few months I will be begging that it would melt already, but I prefer to live in this moment and at this moment snow and whiteness feel really good. 

My friend's daughter Elvi and her first time walking on a snow

SOME SPECIAL MOMENTS in 2012

 

This year I had many good moments with speacial friends and I cannot share all of them with you. But these events and meetings made a huge smile on my face and they were some highlights of this year.

        

On my winter holiday I had a change

to spend time at my 

grandpas' cottage in Autti                                                    

with one of my favorite people. Jen is missing from the picture. 

Later this year Mimmi and Matias
 moved to OZ :(

Luckily I got Jen, Gabor, Lilly & Ernest as my neighbors!

The World Village Festival in May in Helsinki with Katja, Sofia&Thiago. 
Always as good to hang around with them. 

In June I met up with Virginia finally after six year!!!

 Last time in Sikkim this time in southern France. 

She is very special friend to me even if we don't meet very often.

Mid Summer in the countryside with my very special friend Katja and her family 

enjoying good company, 

good food and thesis writing. 

From the picture on the left you can see how cold our summer was.

 

Me and Matthias in Berlin in July meeting each other after four years. 
I had a great time! He is very dear to me.

 My amazing roommate Sini since August 2012.   Asher, who brought light into our life.
I love living with her.                                        

Ps. I have stolen these photos from their pages because they were good ones and I simply had none :(. So I better give gredit to them taking the photos!                                                                                                                                        

In October a Weekend with my beautiful and dear 'las primadonnas', (ballet mates). 
So great to realize that it is still the same being together as (almost) 18 years ago,

of course we grew older and life happened to all of us, but we are still there.

What we once shared for so long never goes away and we can always keep building on that. 

We should definately do it again!

October ETVO - orientation weekend 

The first weekend of my autumn holiday I had the orientation weekend for my volunteering in Peru. All together we’re around about people, who were going to do volunteering in different parts of the world, some in different African countries, others in Nepal and only two of us in Latin America. I felt like going on a camp like we used to go when I was a little child. The place was outside Helsinki, next to a lake, calming and beautiful place, just what I needed from my autumn holiday. We were accommodated in 6 rooms with bunk beds. All of us had different background and we’re working in different fields.  Yet, we all shared the same goal, going to do volunteering. Of course we all have different reasons for doing so, which made it even more interesting. It was so nice meet so many likeminded people, to be able to talk about development, co-operation, global issues and most of all shared our experiences around the world. On Saturday night we had a sauna (which is kind of a must for Finns no matter what is the occasion) and even I followed others and swam in a freezing lake!!! Yes, I who don’t enjoy swimming in a cold water, but I did it and it was very refreshing and relaxing! Even if the weekend was very intensive and informative, it was also empowering and I felt like I travelled during this weekend to many places, at least in my memories.

Kirsi + Tampere visit

People in Jyväskylä <3

New Year at my favorite uncle in Rovaniemi with Jaci

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!
MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!!!

From temporary dives towards the Sun

Lately, despite of my effort to find a nice little happy things in a everyday life (WHAT I HAVE FOUND A LOT, WHICH I WILL SHARE LATER), I've been finding myself close to a one big hole. Every time when I assume something will be easier, it will be the opposite. Don't get me wrong, I love my work, but this year these children, who I teach simply suck the life out of me. I start my day telling how much I like my work and that I'm happy to be here, but at the end of the day my smile is long gone, being replased with headache and I wish I'd be swallowed by the earth. Most of all I just want silence. Autumn and the darknes doesn't help, it simply ain't my thing. Pretty much no Sun for the last three weeks,eats me alive. Every other day I feel like I'm walking on the edge, looking at that hole and waiting to see the climpse of a light. Temporary dive

Everything is up to you, said the special person. He means the light is inside me. I cry and admit that he is right, and try to fight, even if it doesn't work every day, but today it works. Top of that I read a amazing, funny and happy story that I "begged" for and I'm ready to light my light again. And I hope and know this will be just a temporary dive, also thanks to special people who know the right words at the right time.
 So I dressed up as "Mama Africa" at work today, children were learning Finnish by looking at the photos from Zambia, Music from ONE AFRICA, smiles & hugs between the fights, no worries when the bike brokes down and the scooter doesn't work well and I miss my dance lesson, but I have a nice couch surfer visiting, my always so wonderful roomie <3 Sini, WINE, Art therapy course tomorrow to look for and then A HOLIDAY!!! Yes, it is all about the attitude! I try to remember that everyday, even if it is hard at times and I do make temporary dives, especially when it's dark. But in the end there is always a sunshine inside me and I will find it.

The special person also send me this picture, that I feel I need to share with you because I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, especially here in Finland, suffering from this seasonal downfall. So lets all try to remember this image of this umbrella, despite of the bloody fact that it will only get darker, but what if we try our best to keep the light burning inside of us and let's remember the Sun and carry with us no matter what! In the end it will come back!

Here Comes the Sun

Sunrise one morning, when we slept at the water hole near Alice Springs, Australia

Minä viiden vuoden kuluttua? (kirjoitettu toukokuussa 2002)

Minä viiden vuoden kuluttua?

Täytän 28-vuotta tänä kesänä. Viimeiset viisi vuotta elämässäni ovat olleet melko uskomattomia. En osannut edes kuvitella mihin kaikkeen elämä minua johdattaa, kun viisi vuotta sitten aloitin opinnot kansainvälisen opettajankoulutuksen Tanskassa. En silloin uskonut kuinka paljon elämän ja maailman näkeminen minua muuttaa ihmisenä.

Sain opinnot valmiiksi vuosi sitten ja palasin sen jälkeen ystäväni kanssa takaisin tänne Afrikkaan tekemään vaapaaehtoistyötä. Olemme rakentaneet uuden kyläkoulun ja käynnistäneet koululaisten opetuksen. Samassa yhteydessä toimii myös neuvontapiste kyläläisille, jossa annamme terveys valistusta eri asioista esim. aidsista, ehkäisystä, hygieniasta ym. Olemme järjestäneet opintokursseja myös aikuisille, sekä kerhotoimintaa kaiken ikäisille. Rahaa on käytettävissä hyvin vähän, joten olemme kehittäneet toimintaja, jossa käytämme hyväksi niitä voimavaroja ja hyödykkeitä mitä täällä on helposti saatavilla ja mihin ihmiset ovat jo ennestään tottuneet. Koulukin rakennettiin kyläläisten voimin ja perinteisiä menetelmiä käyttäen. Helppoa tämä ei suinkaan ole, koska budjetti jolla toimimme on minimaalinen, sekä kulttuuriemme väliset erot tulevat yhä selkeämmin esille. Esimerkiksi siinä, että lapset eivät tule kouluun, jos vanhemmat kokevat tarvitsevansa heitä kotona. Myös sadonkorjuu kausin, suurin osa oppilaista on pitkään poissa koulusta ja se vaatii meiltä paljon joustavuutta.

Vapaa-aikaa on tuskin koskaan, mutta kyllä tämä on sen arvoista, koska näemme joka päivä kuinka tärkeää meidän työmme täällä on. Täällä pienilläkin asioilla on merkitystä ja elinolosuhteissa tapahtuvat muutokset vaikuttavat koko kylä yhteisöön. Ihmiset osoittavat kiitollisuutensa ja arvostavat meidän työtämme täällä. Meidän pestimme täällä Afrikassa tulee päättymään tämän vuoden lopussa. Työtämme tulee jatkamaan eräs opettaja toverini, joka on lähtöisin samasta koulusta kuin minä. Tavoitteena on kouluttaa kyläyhteisön jäsenistä opettajia, jotka tulevat jatkossa huolehtimaan opetuksesta ja koulutoiminnan ylläpitämisestä.

Monet ihmiset ja ystäväni Suomessa eivät ymmärrä miksi teen tätä työtä ja vielä vapaaehtoisesti. He eivät voi ymmärtää, kun eivät ole nähneet. Olen yrittänyt selittää heille kuinka paljon sisältöä olen tällä työllä saanut elämääni ja kuinka tärkeäksi olen tuntenut työni. Täällä jos missä kätteni jäljet näkyvät. Kaikki maailman lapset ovat minulle yhtä arvokkaita ja jokainen heistä ansaitsee saada opetusta. Kansainvälisenä opettajana minulla on myös vastuu jakaa tietoa eteenpäin ja perustaa kouluja paikkoihin, jossa opetusta ei vielä saada. En halua jäädä Suomeen, koska tunnen, että minua tarvitaan paljon enemmän jossain muualla.

Valitsin tämän tien jo silloin, kun aloitin opinnot. Halusin kehittää itseäni ja löytää sellaiset elämänarvot, että voin arvostaa jokapäiväistä elämääni murehtimatta turhia. Siinä asiassa olen onnistunut ja olen tasapainossa itseni kanssa, vaikka moni asia on muuttunut. Vielä viisi vuotta sitten minulla oli aika ruusuinen kuva tästä työstä. Nyt arki on tullut vastaan ja silti tunnen edelleen olevani oikealla tiellä. Vastoinkäymiset ja epäonnistumiset tuntuivat välillä ylivoimaisilta ja ihmisten asennoituminen omaan elämäänsä käsittämättömältä. Kuitenkin kaikki nämä kokemukset ovat hioneet minua ja tehneet minusta yhä vahvemman. Työni on todella palkitsevaa ja tällä hetkellä en voisi kuvitella tekeväni mitään muuta. Harrastuksia minulle ovat kielien ja kulttuurin opiskelu, sekä matkustaminen on minun intohimoni. Olen viettänyt suurimman osan lomistani rinkka selässä.

Tällä hetkellä minulle on tärkeää tämä työni. Perheen perustaminen tulee sitten myöhemmin. Olemme ystäväni kanssa tehneet päätöksen, että sitoudumme tähän työhön muutamaksi vuodeksi ja katsomme mitä elämä tuo tullessaan. Lapsen hankkiminen tulee varmaankin jossakin vaiheessa, mutta olen jo miettinyt adoption mahdollisuutta, koska maailmassa on paljon lapsia ilman vanhempia. Tämän hetkinen työni on uusien koulujen perustaminen alueille, jossa on köyhää ja paljon lukutaidottomia ihmisiä. Seuraava koulu-projektimme sijoitttuu Intiaan ja lastenkotiin. Aloitamme toiminnan ensi kesänä. Perustamme koulun samoihin tiloihin alueella sijaitsevan lastenkodin kanssa. Tarkoitus on laajentaa tiloja koululle, sekä saada koulu ja lastenkoti toimivaksi kokonaisuudeksi. Siinä on taas haastetta kerrakseen.

Tulevaisuudesta ei koskaan tiedä mitä se tuo tullessaan, mutta täytyy katsoa päivä kerrallaan! Lopuksi voisin vielä todeta yhden tärkeän seikan, joka minua on puhutellut näiden vuosien aikana. Olen opettaja, mutta myös yhä edelleen oppija tässä elämänkoulussa.

Olen kirjoittanut kyseisen tekstin avoimen yliopisto-opintojeni portfolioon toukokuussa 2002. Silloin tiesin lähteväni opiskelemaan Tanskaan kansainväliseksi opettajaksi. Aika hienoa huomata kuinka fiksuja ajatuksia minulla oli silloin, toki olin idealisti, mutta olisin voinut yhtyä moniin seikkoihin sitten 2009 jolloin oikeasti tulin takaisin Zambiasta. Ainakin tämä idealisti on toteuttanut aika monta asiaa tosin aikaahan on kulunut 10 vuotta kyseisestä kirjoituksesta!!!Jotain credittiä pitää antaa äitille, joka sillon oikoluki mun tekstin ja anto hyviä vinkkejä.  Ehkä olisi aika kirjoittaa uusi kirjoitus ja asettaa taas elämälle uusia haasteita ja pistää taas asiat tärkeysjärjestykseen.

Ihanaa alkavaa viikkoa kaikille ja muistakaa elää!!!

Pieniä muistoja vuosien varrelta...

Ayub Ogada - Kothbiro

THESIS...slowly but surely getting there..but it's not ready yet!

 

Mulibuanji?Buino,bwanju? minibuses, One Zambia One Nation, Fendela fenduse, sweat, heat, rain, twenty people stuffed in to a one minibus, fens, scary dogs, people smiling, people dancing, loud music, drumming, taxis, holes on the roads, waiting - waiting – waiting - waiting, children playing, people selling things on the streets, fruits, Arcades, Mandahill, corruption, poverty, muzungu - muzungu - muzungu, amazing sunsets, death, sleeping under mosquito nets, Malaria, crickets, tens of proposals for marriage, hiv/aids, orphans, smile, joy, men expressing their love on the streets to me, white = money, Lariam dreams, nsima – nsima - nsima, Victoria falls, waiting for hours for bus to leave at 4am, cockroaches, brothers and sisters, power cuts, Chipata, Nc’wala ceremony,  goat=a present from the chief of the village on your plate at the dinner table in front of twenty people, sleeping with the rats, chitenges, “showering” under the stars, eating dry fish without salt and chewy meat, dancing with the women and children, South Luanga national park, amazing Safari, mangoes, washing laundry by hand, people preaching everywhere especially in the bus and in the schools, people trying to convert you when you tell them you don’t follow any religion, a priest proposing a marriage without never seeing me, endless malaria tests, people telling you how fat you are, walking slowly, wake up with the sunrise, time is for people, silence and beauty of countryside, running stomach, typhoid parasites, no stress, living in a moment, values, extended families, colorful clothes, a  joy of a child who is loved, a beauty of a Zambian woman walking…this is my Zambia.

Zambia, December 2008

I feel very frustrated about whole Ubuntu after visiting a couple of schools here in the area of Chipata, in the city and in the villages. It is obvious that school culture and the culture of the village are more or less in constant state of tension, as they mentioned at the University, of course depending on a situation in each village, but I don’t even know how to get into that. Who am I as a white woman, outsider to come and “solve” or point out this problem? Also thinking about the ethics of the school and the questions I wanted to ask from the principals and the teachers, I felt so stupid even thinking about it after hearing all the issues they are struggling with every day just to keep the schools running, no funding, sicknesses, pregnancies, hunger and so on. What an idealistic little shit I’ve become back there in my nice little easy life in Europe? When one loses the touch of the reality of other people, one starts to develop ideas which are as ridiculous to carry out as the fact that every Zambian child is able to go to school!!! Have I forgotten all the previous experiences in the rural India and elsewhere? I’ve come to realize Ubuntu as philosophy or maybe even as a phenomenon absolutely deserve a broader research. Yet, I’ve started to see the “negative” aspects of Ubuntu more clearly, like the role of the community in individual’s life, what we also touched in our Bachelors’ thesis. There are dangers especially in the present society, which is in a constant change, whereas the communities, especially the traditional cultures are exposed to such things that they cannot or they don’t have the tools to cope with and therefore they tend to become even more focused on about their own old traditions.

Melbourne, December 2010

Once again Javi has to listen to me opening about my thesis, because I need to discuss with someone. I’m excited and fearful at the same time trying my best to explain what I'm doing .  I tell him about reflexive writing, about the book I was reading the other day and how I’m struggling to structure everything. After listening me opening up quite a while, Javi finally interrupts me asking if I understand the fact that when I write about myself and those things, I have to be open to criticisms. He wonders how I’m able to defend my thesis, if I’m even able to. He continues pointing out that for sure my professors will criticize me and if they will even accept my thesis, if I do it the way I want to do it and write myself in it. I must admit he is not the only thinking I must be mad, couple of other people, I told about my thesis at the University of Melbourne, commented if it is really acceptable to write that kind of thesis and what kind of validity it has. I’m feeling bit anxious and disappointed if that was all what Javi had to say, so I sigh and I argue to Javi, like the others before and for many more to come, that for me it is enough that my thesis contributes meaningfully to the life of the readers as well as mine. If I am able to make my readers to feel something I have succeeded and my research has validity.  

 

Finland, May 2012

I have bags full of books that carry between the home, University and my workplace on Sundays. I cannot concentrate at home. Most of this year, I feel like being a dead zombie, because I sleep so little, I have too many things in my head all the time.  Either I’m writing my thesis while sleeping or having nightmares about my thesis or my work. Let alone other things that happen in life and of course life happens when you simply have no time for it.  So time after time I ask myself, what is important in life and most often thesis comes second, even if I myself chose the ‘difficult’ way of doing it. Many times I asked myself WHY I AM NOT ABLE TO FINISH THIS BLOODY THESIS How can some people have kids, work and even study all at the same time? After I stepped out of the ‘wheel of accomplishing’ all the time, it’s difficult to step back in, though I must say a lot easier in Finland, because you’re simply sucked in. But it’s not healthy way of living. I wonder why I cannot concentrate to formulate my thoughts into proper academic sentences. It’s all in my head, but I cannot get it out, only if I could just write a story or even dance my thesis. I use to write fairly good essays, not that it was easy, but maybe it's  the size of this work that freaks me out and I feel so alone with it. Lack of energy, time and frustration, when you realize you’re not capable of doing what you want or had planned, in the end rescheduling slowly eats you inside, because you simply don’t see the end coming. Time is out, I have used my fifteen minutes already.

To my dear Uncle

To my dear Uncle Juha, 

You ended your journey of life,

when mine had just began.

It made me see think and feel

emptiness and pain

 such, I never felt before.

Having you in my life,

 later loosing you tragically

influenced who I am today.  

I wish you had been, because we are,

I wish we had been, because you are.

I wish you knew I loved you

and I always will.

It's more than seven years ago when we lost him and I still miss him. Tonight after having a night out to clear my head, cycling home and seeing first time that night does not come anymore, meaning summer is here. I'm thinking my life, about my thesis and what I will write tomorrow, suddenly I feel I have to dedicate my thesis to my uncle, because even more after he was gone, I felt need for "we" thinking insted of I. Maybe he directed me to my path with Ubuntu as well. 'person is a person through other person' therefore 'I am because you are'.

Ubuntu